


to kill a king

by plantyourtreeswithme_archive (plantyourtreeswithme)



Category: The Hobbit (Jackson Movies)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Battle of Five Armies - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Bilbo has murderous tendencies and is slightly insane, Dragon Sickness, M/M, One-sided Bilbo Baggins/Thorin Oakenshield, Poor Thorin, Thorin finds the One Ring
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-24
Updated: 2015-12-24
Packaged: 2018-05-08 11:48:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,040
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5495972
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/plantyourtreeswithme/pseuds/plantyourtreeswithme_archive
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <i>"What's this, burglar?"</i>
</p><p>
  <i>He looked up to see Thorin turning a small ring over in his hands.</i>
</p><p>
  <i>"Mmm... I've no idea, Tho-"</i>
</p><p>
  <i>A growl sounded deep in Thorin's throat.</i>
</p><p><i>"I've no idea,</i> your highness<i>," Bilbo corrected himself through gritted teeth.</i></p>
            </blockquote>





	to kill a king

**Author's Note:**

> I thought I was going to write myself some fluff for Christmas - maybe something about Thorin and Bilbo curled up in Bag End during a second Fell Winter of some sort - but nope! How about some more angst instead?
> 
> I tried to convey Bilbo's frustration as well as I could in this. Writing this story reminded me of the sheer annoyance any sibling feels when their other sibling _will not stop irritating them_ \- take that, multiply it by... oh, say, 938,476,420,901,000 (that's nine hundred thirty-eight trillion, four hundred seventy-six billion, four hundred twenty million, nine hundred and one thousand, mind you), and you get Bilbo's frustration levels in this story.
> 
> That's about enough to plot a murder, don't you think?
> 
> At the same time, I tried to make this as silly and outlandish as possible, because why not? Add that all up, and you get the most ridiculous, angsty story I've ever written.
> 
> Happy holidays!!
> 
> :)))))))))

He'd fallen in love with Thorin Oakenshield for several reasons, but over the course of a year, he began to hate the dwarf with a burning passion.

Thorin was obstinate, hard-headed, stubborn, ignorant, greedy, and had eyes for one thing only - gold. Not Bilbo, or his Company, you understand; money and jewels were the only thing Thorin was aware of nowadays.

In the past, Bilbo had nearly believed that his affections were returned; but after a while, he realized that Thorin was using him, toying with his feelings in order to reach the Lonely Mountain sooner.

Bilbo wasn't an idiot, like the Company thought he was; he knew  _exactly_ what Thorin meant by giving him the mithril shirt, and it was just another ploy to win the hobbit over, to have him do everything Thorin wanted. The king was practically begging him to become consort, to do all of his dirty work for him, but Bilbo would  _not_ be fooled.

~~Sometimes he wondered what he was thinking; was this really who he had fallen in love with? Had he ever really _stopped_ loving the withdrawn, uncongenial dwarf prince? Perhaps all of this nonsense was due to the whispering he heard occasionally...~~

~~But that was all nonsense, as well. Whispering? _Really?_ Stupid Baggins. The gold must be getting to him, as well.~~

He was beginning to think he could perhaps tolerate Thorin's manipulative ways -

But then he found Bilbo's magic ring.

"What's this, burglar?"

He looked up to see Thorin turning a small ring over in his hands.

"Mmm... I've no idea, Tho-"

A growl sounded deep in Thorin's throat.

"I've no idea,  _your highness_ ," Bilbo corrected himself through gritted teeth.

That was the final straw - watching the king sling the golden ring onto a thick golden chain, hang the thick golden chain around his throat (which was decorated with even  _more_ golden ornaments and charms), and walk away, his cape (which was adorned with, believe it or not - by Yavanna, the fabric was _woven with golden thread_ \- golden and mithril baubles) whipping heavily behind him.

Bilbo was really not the plotting type, but there's a first time for everything, right?

He stayed up until all five of his candles were gone (which lasted him a total of about six days), and _then_  - here's the  _worst part_ \- he had to  _go all the way down to Dale just to get MORE CANDLES TO PLOT A MURDER AGAINST THE BLASTED KING UNDER THE MOUNTAIN_.

~~Breathe, Bilbo, breathe.~~

 

* * *

 

To plot a murder, you have to have the patience of a saint.

Bilbo was most definitely  _not_ a saint - he was planning a murder, for Yavanna's sake - so he had a bit of trouble with that part.

He went out of his way to create the most embarrassing, humiliating, cringe-worthy death for Thorin Oakenshield possible. It would have to happen when someone rather important was visiting, like Thranduil or Gandalf - and who knew when that would happen? So he would have to finish it as soon as possible, in order to have it set up and waiting for whenever a noble or dignitary would arrive.

But what if someone accidentally set it off? Bilbo would have to position it in the most out-of-the-way room possible.

But no noble would want to seek audience with the king in some closet somewhere... and Thorin would probably never set foot in it, anyway. The only two rooms he really ever went in were the treasury and the throne room.

And how would he make sure that it was never traced back to him? Of course, no one would ever suspect him in the first place, him being the small, unsuspecting little hobbit that he was - but just in case...

What if someone stumbled across all of his Preposterously Important Murderous Plot Papers (or P.I.M.P.P. for short) in his quarters? He would surely be executed for treason then, and he would never have his revenge.

And oh, how he wanted revenge, how he  _deserved_ revenge, on King Thorin Oakenshield, for all of the wrongs he had never made right, for all of the sins he had committed against Bilbo and his own  _people_...

 

* * *

 

He would have to find something heavy to drop on Thorin's thick skull.

Or would a knife do? A thin dagger slipped between the shoulder blades while he had his ring on -

Bilbo didn't have the ring.

 _Thorin_ did.

 

* * *

 

Bilbo was still plotting in Laketown when the battle began.

Unfortunately, Thorin, the blundering idiot that he was, survived, and miraculously, Bilbo did, too. He decided that he was going to do it immediately after the battle ended; it would add the greatest sense of irony, wouldn't it, and he could laugh and laugh for hours without being stopped...

"Burglar!"

 _It's time,_ Bilbo thought with a malicious grin on his face.  _You're practically_ letting _me kill you, foolish oaf, just you wait..._

"I have two items to award you," Thorin told him, "for your services. One: this ring, which I wrongly took from you while I was... ill."

He deposited Bilbo's ring hung on its newly-added golden chain onto Bilbo's palm and closed his fingers into a fist.

"And two..."

Thorin pressed a quick kiss to Bilbo's cheek. When he pulled away, his face was completely red.

Bilbo stared at the dwarf king, shocked. All of his previous affections for him came rushing back, a wave of emotion overcoming him. Past murderous tendencies and plans were forgotten in the surge of fondness that pushed all of his hatred and rage away. He reached forward and framed the dwarf's face with his small hands, kissing him passionately. Thorin didn't seem to know what to do with his hands, but after a few moments, he wrapped them around Bilbo's waist, sending tendrils of lightning all along the hobbit's body and lighting his heart on fire.

The ring sunk beneath the snow, trampled by Thorin's heavy boots as he stepped forward into the kiss. Bilbo had dropped it as soon as Thorin had first kissed him, and it was forgotten by both of them.

Besides, plotting a murder was overrated, anyway. It took too much energy, and Bilbo was feeling rather slow and leisurely, anyway...


End file.
